WARNING: Things are about to get heavy here.
For the first two weeks, I was out of town for the funeral and family stuff. This was followed by a few weeks of numbness where Disney was my babysitter and I re-read some Eastern philosophy (Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart), escaped for brief periods in Tina Fey’s Bossypants and 30Rock reruns, and tried to get the fucking Facts of Life theme song to stop running through my head. (“You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and shove ’em up your ass, Tootie…”)
Then came the false start at getting back to business. I showed my face on Twitter, putzed around my studio all day, and realized that I wasn’t feeling creative or social.
Like, NOT AT ALL.
So I painted, cleaned, and organized my studio.
And my kid’s room.
And the hall closet.
I believe this is what is called a coping mechanism.
And by coping, I mean avoiding.
Avoiding moving forward with projects or creative pursuits because too much of it reminds me of Christian.
And because avoiding it all keeps the dam of emotions from bursting.
Except this isn’t really working either, because I sleep for shit, I’m moody, and and all that pent up emotion is turning my body into one big knot. My neck may disappear into my shoulders if the tension along there gets any tighter.
I’m certain grief counselors consider this unhealthy.
So maybe it’s time to get back into my freshly painted/cleaned/organized studio, back to the projects and plans, and back to creating. Time to honor my brother by properly mourning him and letting my emotions do their thing. Time to let what I admired about him- his talent, his enthusiasm, and his kindness, to inspire me rather than let sorrow cripple me.
As I introduce new projects over the next few months, I’ll share more about Christian. Not the sad, crying stuff, but happy stuff that makes me grateful to have been his sister. One project idea is to strengthen my own drawing skills, as well as make drawing more accessible and fun (or at least funny) for others. Christian was the “artistic one” growing up, and drawing seemed so effortless for him. We don’t all have to be as talented as he was, but I’d love for more folks to have that sense of confidence about drawing, myself included.
I also have project ideas to simplify memory keeping, as well as make it more “hands on”. These last several weeks have been flooded with memories and momentos, for which I’m so grateful. But ultimately it’s the living of life that matters, not the recording of it, something I think we forget in this day and age.
Finally, I have ideas for some sort of online site/email subscription service for both the memory keeping and drawing/creativity building projects. Christian was an insanely talented computer nerd, and I had hoped to consult with him on how the hell to make this happen. But since he’s not here to help me, I’ll have to channel his determination and figure this shit out myself.
So for those who haven’t bailed during the last six weeks, thank you for your patience. I hope you’ll continue sticking around for the good stuff that I know is to come.