So here are the much delayed photos from the Vilano Beach Motel, a.k.a the Magic Beach Motel, a.k.a. the Vilano Beach Motel and Apartments. Yeah. You know what kind of folks rent there. Oh, Holy White Trash Hell! Let’s take the tour, shall we? If you like what you see, it’s for sale (which explains a lot!)
Kitschy? Yes. Funny? Most Definitely. At this point, I was still optimistic. We arrived at 10PM, so the place was lit up like a mini Vegas Strip. Quite amusing. Or so we thought…
This is the stairway up to our room. Apparently our room was in the ‘apartment’ building of the complex. Still not freaking out just yet.
This is the mural that greeted us upon entrance to our room. It just made me laugh with its array of colors. It’s like an underwater scene from another planet with all its colors and mutant fish.
Here would be the mutant Tuna Sailfish and Dolphin/Shark hybrid. Note- in this ‘kitschy’ underwater rainbow world, ducks and cattails live on the sea floor (also known as the headboard.)
Here is where I start to worry. No, this isn’t an optical illusion, the shower and the sink really are 12 inches apart. You didn’t really need to pee, did you? Or turn around in the shower?
Apparently this bathroom was an ode to multi-tasking, as I could have peed and brushed my teeth at the same time. (This is me sitting on the potty, although I am not actually using the potty in this photo. That’s just gross.)
Paint sample they were trying out in the bathroom. Light fixtures were, as yet, undecided as well, although energy conservation was a priority.
Their attempt at shabby (read- shitty) chic. Instead of buying curtains, they opted to repurpose a blanket into two ‘curtain’ panels. The ‘curtains’ were tied in the middle with string to give them some style, although we untied them to give a bit more privacy. They also chose to keep the bamboo shades even though there was no string to pull them up, begging the question, “Can you really sell this room as ‘Ocean View’ when no one can see out the window?
Oh, wait. You just have to pull back and hold the entire shade, then you can enjoy your ocean view. Perhaps you wanted to smell the ocean air too. Here’s a hole in your window for you to breathe it in and enjoy.
This picture was taken the morning after we arrived (and 20 minutes before we vacated.) When we arrived in this room, the plexiglass panel was still sealed over the hole in the window. This lasted until 2AM. At 2AM we were suddenly awoken by the a-holes next door blasting horrible 80s rock from some loser band that probably peaked in 1987 when they opened for Slayer during the Florida leg of their tour. At 2AM some tool from next door decided to go out on the wraparound porch that was outside our window to smoke. At 2AM I watched through the bamboo shade as this dumbass went from standing along the railing to walking up to our window, pushing out the plexiglass, sticking his hand into our room, then walking away. For what purpose, I have no idea. I was completely freaked out by this point and did not go back to sleep for the next two hours. I had debated whether to vacate at that moment, but didn’t want to run into these freaks outside our door. So we stayed inside with the hole in the window and hoped the freaks next door weren’t hopped up on a fresh batch of meth, preparing to kick in the door to our room.
Not that kicking it in would have been difficult. It was a HOLLOW interior door which was rotting along the bottom!! My nine month old could have kicked it in!
This is the view from the Hampton Inn across the street. This would be where we escaped to the next day. The really amazing part- the difference in price for the Vilano Beach Shit Hole-tel and breakfast at Village Inn versus a room at the Hampton Inn with free in-house hot breakfast bar and fluffy white robes to chill in was only THIRTY dollars!! How is it that Shangri La could be a mere 50 yards away from this hell hole? Oh, did you notice that they also have a sign calling themselves the Vilano Beach RESORT?! Look closely, it’s right next to the streetside swimming pool. UgH! Lesson learned- no more kitschy crap for me!